Strange Self Discovery of the Author’s Ego

I have been interviewing people (mostly deaf, but some others as well) because of my firm belief in accuracy. Put another way, if I want the reader to be able to believe that things like Demons and Witches can exist in our world, then I need to be sure that the parts of the world they can touch, smell and see are so real that they don’t have to suspend all belief, just stretch a little bit (maybe a very little).

All that said, that’s not what tonight’s blog/rant/update/whatever you want to call this is about. [If anyone wants, I will be happy to go into more detail about the fantasy approach I am using]

I have been analyzing what people say against what they do, and in doing so realized very quickly that often when I am talking, people will often tell me what they either think I want to hear or what they believe, but not what they practice. The specific example for this is unimportant, but it did bring up the question “do I ever do that?” I suppose if I am going to hold the mirror up to strangers, it’s only fair that I glance into it myself.

Sadly I found I have been growing an ‘author’s ego’. I am not sure that is what it’s really called, I am so green to all of this, it could be that it’s the norm, and I am just overthinking things. But what I am calling the “author’s ego” is that strange combination of euphoric high when someone read and likes my piece against all of the games my head starts to play when someone does nothing with my piece, mixed with just enough strength to deal with those that really hated my work.

I can deal with rejections “this story is gross” I can deal with acceptance “this story is really good” (both reviews from 2 readers of the same short story) going to my writers group has leveled my nerves for both. It’s the people that read (or asked to read) my work and say nothing. I can, to a small degree think “they are busy” or even “they maybe don’t want to hurt my feelings”. The latter is the problem, I would be less hurt by a harsh criticism of my work then I am of utter silence. It’s too easy for my mind to play the “they hated it so much they couldn’t even be bothered to say they hated it” game. Like a lot of writers & authors, I would be willing to bet my own criticisms are far harsher than anyone else’s.

To me this is interesting, and something I will need to work on, impatience can cause perceived apathy, and our perceptions are everything.

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