How to be a Happy COW (Child of Writer)

So as some of you noted from comments, I was asked about COW (Child of Writer) this is an even broader subject then POW & WOW so I will start by narrowing it down.  If you are a semi –mature, living on your own, human being (possible with spawn of your own) and your Parental unit suddenly wishes to become a writer, you’re out of luck. I have no advice for you, or at least not in this article.

This is for the small ones.  First of all, congratulations. If your dad is the writer, you are one in a million.  Twenty years ago male writers were not considered adequate breeding stock. The odds of you being conceived, even when adjusted by the level of alcohol your mother drank before meeting your dad, would never creep above the “not really going to happen” level.  Now adays, a writer can hide this mental condition until they are able to knock up whatever human female dropped her guard long enough.

If your writer is a mom, the odds of your birth go up by an astronomical amount. While it is a cliché to say that you could put a 600Lb troll in a dress, stick it in a bar and someone would take it home. It is none the less true.

So what does being a COW mean?  A couple of things.  First and foremost – never lie to your parents.  A typical child can lie, get caught and get grounded for a week. You however are a COW, your lies not only will be seen through as fast as your counter parts, but will be judged on the quality.  Often it will end something like this “Little Johnny, your protagonist actions are unrealistic and you used a passive voice in addition to poor word choice, your pacing mood and tone are completely out of sync your grounded for a week for lying, and a month for poor story telling”

A good cow will also learn to read their writer. Asking if you can go to the park to play just as they are sitting down to write probably won’t get the desired result.  But once their fingers are flying and they are staring a hole in their computer screen, that’s when you ask if you can take out some kitchen chemicals to try a recipe you found on-line.  Your writer will be so distracted, that you won’t end up in trouble and they will have to explain to their spouse where your eyebrows are.

The last note is if you have to give your writer a letter from the school, its best to wait till they are in editing mode.  This mode is easy to see, they are moving the mouse, up and down, talking a lot but not really writing.  This is when to present the letter from the principal about the incident at school. Your writer will be so locked into editing, they will correct the English and grammar they will miss the letters meaning.  Your writer will write a reply something like this:

                  Dear Mr. Principal,

                  Concerning your letter about little Johnny: When listing responding agencies you should separate them with a comma – using an ‘And’ in front of the last one. It should have read Police, Fire, Paramedics, FBI and the EPA.  Also, while you can use a contraction School’s for School Has, it can be confusing. Next time just use a ‘THE’ in front. The sentence should have read ‘THE school HAS been rendered uninhabitable’ and in closing when listing possible consequences, please note the proper spelling is expulsion. It is also redundant to mention a jail sentence on top of expulsion, being as I doubt you can, in fact do both.

Little Johnny’s writer

So being a COW is a manageable condition, it’s also a kick. Your writer will want to research things, and will take you along both to attempt to bond and to gain your young insights.  Rock climbing, off roading, Paint ball arenas, Concerts, the list is endless of the actions your writer will want to take with you in order to experience something new, even if they are doing it through your eyes.

And on a final note: if your writer does horror don’t tell them there is a monster under your bed, they will only ask you to describe it.

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